


The Straights

by FunkyWashingMachine



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coffee Shops, Cute, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Flirting, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, LGBTQ Themes, Multi, Trolling, and they were ROOMMATES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25817221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkyWashingMachine/pseuds/FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Roommates Shiro and Ezor pretend to be straight people
Relationships: Ezor & Nadia Rizavi, Ezor & Shiro (Voltron), Ezor/Nadia Rizavi, Ezor/Shiro (Voltron)
Kudos: 3





	The Straights

"I'm bored," Ezor said. "Let's go pretend to be straight people."

Shiro looked up from his book.

"Oh yeah? How do you propose we do that?"

"Easy," Ezor said. "We go out and hold hands and be all annoying in public."

Shiro shook his head and laughed.

"You must be pretty bored."

"Aren't YOU?" Ezor said. "What book even IS that?"

"Not a very good one," Shiro admitted. 

"Great! I got your coat right here!"

Shiro put a bookmark in the book.

"You certainly make my life more interesting."

"SOMEONE'S gotta," Ezor said. 

"No, they don't," said Shiro.

"You're welcome."

He laughed again and took his coat.

"Is that your straight-person outfit?" he asked.

"What? Is it too gay?"

"How would I know."

"You're the one who's from Earth."

Shiro checked for his wallet.

"I'm sure there are straight people from other planets," he said.

"Yeah, probably," Ezor snorted. "Fukkin' weird."

"So, where do you want to go?" he said.

"I dunno yet," Ezor said. "Somewhere straight. Do straight people drink coffee?"

"I think they do," Shiro said. "They do most of the things that NORMAL people do."

Ezor threw her head back and punched him.

"Shiro, I love you. But not in a straight way."

"Likewise," Shiro smiled. "You punch pretty hard, though."

"Sorry. I'll try to be straighter about it for today."

"You could possibly stop doing it at some point."

"Yeah. You know I'll forget."

"Yes, I do."

"Well, come on, sweetie," Ezor swung the keys around her finger. "Let's go get some coffee."

They walked down the street, hand in hand.

"Shiro, look!" Ezor pointed. There was someone coming towards them. "We got an audience! Help me sell it!"

"I'm sure they already think we're dating," Shiro said.

"Yeah, well, when they get closer, say something funny so I can pretend to laugh."

"What kind of funny thing?"

"I don't know, I'm not the funny one here."

The person walked in front of them. Ezor elbowed Shiro in the ribs.

"Uh… it sure is a nice day out," he said.

"Pffff!" Ezor draped herself over his shoulder. "Shiro, you're so FUNNY!"

"Yes. It's great how you love all my jokes."

"Cause they're so CUTE when you say them!"

"Oh," Shiro said. "Okay."

The person walked past them.

"Dang, I'm not sure they paid attention," Ezor looked back. "Oh my god, are you BLUSHING?"

"Sorry," Shiro shook his head. "I don't get called 'cute' very often."

"Not even by your boyfriend? You sure he's the right one?"

"Uh…"

"Well," she smacked him on the back, "Good thing you decided to be straight today, because Mama Ezor's gonna solve all your problems!"

"Yes, I'm glad," Shiro said. He gave her a little smile. "So, are we the kind of straight people where I buy your coffee, or are we the kind of straight people who pay for their own?"

"You pay for my coffee, obviously," Ezor said. 

"Why did I think you were going to say that."

"Because you're the best boyfriend in the universe," Ezor snuggled against him. "Are you my boyfriend or my husband?"

"Boyfriend," Shiro held up his hand. "No ring."

"Yeah, I wouldn't marry you."

"Thanks."

"Oh, but we can tell people that we LIVE together," Ezor said. "How straight is THAT?"

"Very," Shiro said. "For someone else."

"Don't say that," Ezor rammed into him. "People might think we're GAY or something."

The café was tended by a human and a bytor.

"Hey there," Ezor walked up to the counter. "Can you get me a double butterscotch macchiato with extra foam? And my BOYFRIEND will have - what will you have, sweetie?"

"Small black coffee," Shiro said.

"Oh my god, you're about as boring as a STRAIGHT person!"

"I thought we WERE straight."

"Yeah, we are."

Shiro handed a card to the human.

"Small black coffee," said the bytor, setting out a cup. "Macchiato will take a few moments."

"Cool," Ezor said. "You wait for that, snookums, and I'll find us a spot."

She went over to the nearest table.

"Hi. Any free seats here?"

"Yes, there are," said the human at the table.

"Awesome."

"You know, for an alien, you sure don't have much of an accent."

"Yeah," Ezor said. "That's cuz I eat one human brain every day to absorb their knowledge." She gestured toward Shiro. "He's next."

The human got up from the table. Shiro came over with the coffee.

"I haven't heard that one before," he said, putting the macchiato down in front of her.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," she waved. "You hate it when I say things like that. But I hate it when _they_ say things like that."

"No, I know," Shiro sat down with her. "I used to get things like that just a few settlement waves ago. Still do, sometimes."

"Oh, so I'm your scapegoat," Ezor picked up her coffee. "Glad to be good for _something."_

"That's a harsh way to talk about yourself," Shiro said.

"Like you never do it, sweetie pie."

They started their coffee in silence. Ezor looked up when someone touched her on the shoulder. It was a human.

"Hi," they said. "I just wanted to tell you that I totally support interplanetary couples."

"Oh, good to know," Ezor said. "I just hope the kids don't look like HIM, cause I'm only in it for the money."

The human took on a strange expression and walked away.

"Don't you love straight people?" Ezor said.

Shiro sighed.

"It could take a while, but I think humanity will someday better understa-"

"Oh, that's right! Baby names! That's a thing straight people do, right?"

"You mean making a list?" Shiro said.

"Yeah! Let's do that! Conspicuously."

"Oh, boy," Shiro put down his coffee. "That's such a big responsibility."

"Come on, you'll be a great dad," Ezor said. "Tell me some names."

"Well, honestly, I haven't thought about it," Shiro said. "If I ever adopt, the kid will probably already have a name."

"Well, wouldn't it be nice if straight people said that, too," Ezor said. "What about Flemdak? I think Flemdak's a pretty name."

"For a boy or a girl?"

"You mean there's a difference?"

"I suppose there doesn't have to be."

"Your turn now," Ezor raised her cup.

"Uh… how about Sam?"

"Boring. Sounds like some lousy ol' square guy."

"Hey, some of my best friends are squares."

"And apparently my BOYFRIEND'S a square," Ezor scoffed.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it, flargmuffin. So, what do you think about Narti?"

"Narti? She's nice."

"I mean as a name."

"Oh. It's pretty."

"Yeah, I think so too. And so is SHE."

"I can see that," Shiro said. "Can't say she's really my type, though."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," Ezor scoffed. "I bet she's a good kisser, though."

"What makes you say that?"

"What DOESN'T make me say that?"

"Well," Shiro smiled a bit, "maybe you should try to find out sometime."

"Oh, that'd be all KINDS of awkward," Ezor said.

"She doesn't seem like the type who'd mind," said Shiro.

"Yeah, she's not all square like you," Ezor said. "I don't hang out with squares, I just live with them."

"Careful now," Shiro chuckled. "I could still break up with you."

"On our one-day anniversary? Why are you such a terrible boyfriend?"

"You tell me," Shiro said. "You're the one who wants to see other people."

"That's on the _side,_ flargmuffin. We all know it's _you_ who I love."

Shiro picked up his cup of coffee.

"I think we should have laid out these terms before we started dating," he said.

"The Square strikes again," Ezor leaned back. "Don't you ever play anything by ear?"

"When people's emotions are involved? I try not to."

"Well, you're only fucking _yourself_ over. Emotions play _themselves_ by ear."

"I suppose that's true."

"You're not dating an idiot, you know."

"Oh, that's right," Shiro reached for his phone. "I need to text him about Monday."

"Whatcha guys doing on Monday?"

"It's what I'm too busy to do on Monday, actually."

"He puts up with way too much from you," Ezor said.

"I'm gonna see if he can do it on Wednesday," Shiro began texting.

"Hope he hasn't made any special preparations yet."

"He knows I'm busy a lot."

"Yeah, and now you're cheating on him to boot."

"And that bothers you?" Shiro said. "Who's the square now?"

"You and our child named Sam."

"Oh, you're picking the square name after all?"

"It fits, if the kid takes after YOU," Ezor said.

Shiro shook his head and set down his phone.

"You know what's weird, though?" Ezor said. "Hair. I don't think I'd want a kid with hair."

"Well, you get what you get," Shiro smirked. "When you're straight."

"Yeah, it's too bad we're both straight and we're dating and one of us has hair."

Shiro laughed and so did Ezor.

"Think you'd ever date a human?" Shiro said. "Or is the hair too off-putting?"

"I've seen humans without hair."

"Mostly men, I bet."

"Yeah. Too bad."

The door opened and a human girl walked in.

"Hmm," Ezor watched her. "You know, maybe hair's not the worst thing out there."

Shiro waved at her.

"Nadia!"

The girl waved back.

"Wait, you KNOW her?" Ezor said.

"From work," Shiro said.

"Dang. Is she gay?"

"Why do you care?" Shiro laughed. "You're straight."

"Well, a straight girl's gotta know what a straight girl's gotta know."

"I'll invite her to sit with us," Shiro said. "Then you can ask her."

"Oh god, don't do that."

The girl picked up her order from the bytor and came over to their table.

"Hey, Shiro," she said. "Got room at this table?"

"I don't know, Ezor, do we?"

Ezor picked up her macchiato.

"Yeah, I guess we do."

The girl sat down with them.

"I'm Rizavi, by the way."

"Hi. I'm Ezor, and Shiro is not my boyfriend."

"Hah. Why am I not surprised."

"Well, you were supposed to be," Shiro said. "We got bored and decided to act like straight people."

"And you didn't invite me!" Rizavi splashed a drop of coffee on the table.

"We totally will next time," Ezor said. "He'll pay for your coffee."

"That's so straight," Rizavi said.

"Isn't it the funniest?" said Ezor.

"I don't know if I can afford to be straight every day," Shiro laughed.

"Guess I'LL just have to do it, then," Ezor said. She turned to Rizavi. "Pretend to be straight with ME and I'LL buy your coffee."

"Deal," Rizavi said. She grinned at Shiro. "She's great, where do you know her from?"

"Well, a few places, between the settlement waves…" Shiro began.

"We're housemates," Ezor cut him off. "I'm the cool one and he's the boring one."

Rizavi laughed.

"Then you must be pretty damn cool, since Shiro's already such a cool guy."

"You don't know the half of it," Shiro said into his coffee. "Please get her out of the house for me."

"What an un-boyfriendly thing of you to say," Ezor said. "I don't even have to be straight to know THAT."

"Yeah, Shiro," Rizavi said. "Maybe you're not cut out for this whole straightness thing."

"Did you know there's straight people on almost every planet?" Ezor said. "Fucking wild, right?"

"Actually, yeah," Rizavi said. "Considering they didn't all have to evolve that way."

"Oh. Good point."

"Are there straight people on your planet?"

"Well there WERE."

"Gotcha."

Ezor took a spoon to her macchiato.

"Hey Shiro, do you know any straight pick-up lines? Or, like, human ones?"

"Huh," Shiro said. "Well there's the 'did it hurt when you fell from Heaven' one…"

"It did, thanks for asking," Ezor said. She turned to Rizavi. "What about YOU?"

Rizavi laughed. "I'm from here, I don't think I fell as far as you did."

Ezor stared for a moment, then took a long slurp of her drink.

"That's gay."

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Voltron fandom, you guys still there?
> 
> This fic has lain almost complete and unpublished for upwards of a year now, along with many other works of mine at varying levels of progress. Reason not being that I don't want to write them, but that the way this show ended sucked away so much of my joy for it that I've had an almost impossible time doing what I used to love. I know it sounds dramatic to say it threw me into some kind of depression, but I have thought about how hurt it made me feel every day since it happened. (Autistic here, and Voltron was perhaps the biggest special interest I have ever had).
> 
> Writing this little whine here because I want to know if there is any love still out there, and I'm hoping it will rekindle what I used to feel for this show and help me finish my fics :/
> 
> Cheers <3


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